#mysecondporno - The Erotic Adventures of Candy. I remember this one being so hilarious I could barely jerk to it. Sadly the memory was funnier than the reality.

I wish I could post #mythirdporno, because it was a dadaist masterpiece of social commentary. Sadly, though, it only existed on one tape.

See, my social circle knew a guy who was, in hindsight, a deeply closeted homosexual man. He was also the bad sort of fundamentalist Christian, and so was his wife. I got this eighth-hand, after it had been swiped from this guy by a fellow acquaintance and passed around as a shock video between us. As the story goes, the guys wife wanted to record a religious program and grabbed this tape. She asked him what was on it, and he panicked, afraid she would discover his hidden shame, and said "Oh, it's blank!" She said "Great!", popped it in, and hit record.

I don't even remember what it was called, only that it was cheaply produced and all the stars were fugly as hell. Standard "seduce the pizza guy" plot, and right when some action is about to start happening *bam* BILLY GRAHAM'S POWER HOUR! Then, after an interminable hour of the worst proselytizing (or five minutes of fast-forwards), Billy Graham makes his final prayer for the salvation of your soul and bids you goodnight *bam* ugly mustachioed man sucking another man's penis.

We all recoiled in horror, but some twenty years later, two gay guys going at it is the perfect response to anything Billy Graham ever had to say.