Sunday, 4 May 2014

Amy Schumer gives speech about horrible cunnilingus, self-worth.

quote [ I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, "All right! You got it. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I'll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house. All my self-worth is based on what you can see." But then I think, Fuck that. ]

FANTASTIC speech, and it's just one of many topics that Schumer's spot-on about. Quickly becoming one of my favorite comedians, and I secretly hope that she takes over the Colbert Report's timeslot, or even takes over for Craig Ferguson after he leaves in December.
[NSFW] [+10 Good]
[by AssBastard@10:54amGMT]

Comments

GordonGuano said @ 11:03am GMT on 4th May [Score:2]
Nice to have that as a palate cleanser after the article about the mess in Nigeria.

I've tried to keep an eye on Amy Schumer since I first caught her at one of the Comedy Central roasts. Chick is funny as balls.
seneschal said @ 5:08pm GMT on 6th May [Score:2 Insightful]
I normally like bad sex stories, but this one is both sad and inspirational. Sad because some of it relates to low self worth, and inspirational because it resulted in a dramatic personal change.

Being good at sex isn't easy because it's a combination of chemistry, mechanical skills, creativity, artistic flair, attitude, responsiveness and correct interpretation of unspoken signals. The complexity of the skill set is compounded by the facts that pornography gives entirely the wrong ideas as to how to do it well, one's partner's cannot always be relied upon to be honest about one's performance, and different partners will enjoy markedly different activities and styles.

Being universally good at sex is like trying to be able to competently drive every variety of man-made vehicle. It will be hard to navigate a Boeing 747 or a nuclear submarine when all you've had for preparation is a long history of watching Nascar races and a quick review of the owner's manual for a Ford Taurus.
snowfox said @ 7:21am GMT on 11th May [Score:2]
Being good at sex isn't easy because it's a combination of chemistry, mechanical skills, creativity, artistic flair, attitude, responsiveness and correct interpretation of unspoken signals.

Well, sure. If that works for you. Though I don't find it entirely necessary.

I am an unfeeling sex robot. Men and women seem to dig it. But only because I am a finely calibrated machine with a startling range of motion. And of course I'm fully functional...

You could probably never hope to be that, so you'll have to keep caring and making an effort. I'm sorry to have been the one to inform you, meatbag.
seneschal said @ 10:37pm GMT on 12th May
No problem for me. I don't need to worry about these things any more because no fucks are given in my household.

Oh, comment tools!
cb361 said @ 11:08pm GMT on 6th May
Spot on about sex. On the other hand, cunnilingus is the easiest thing in the world. Provided, that is, that you enjoy it for itself. If you don't, and just want to get it over asap so you can get to the "good stuff", you'll never do it well.
seneschal said @ 11:29pm GMT on 6th May
Cunnilingus isn't always so straightforward. It's a feedback-response game, and some people don't give reliable feedback, while others are oblivious to feedback provided. Few will ask.

Enthusiasm is critical, but so is perception.

With some very responsive women it doesn't really matter how it's done - it will always feel good. However, others are more particular. I'd say that a standard approach will work about 70% of the time, but won't necessarily achieve mind-blowing results.

Flick, lick, suck, tongue, nibble, slide, burble, pop, slather, draw, lip smear, drink, repeat.

But some women cannot tolerate direct clitoral stimulation of any kind.
Some women can, but only after they are already very aroused.
Others can tolerate clitoral stimulation, but get very little out of it.
Different women prefer different patterns and pressure. For some too much pressure, or a failure to vary the pattern will spoil the entire exercise, while for others strong and consistent patterns are important.
Some require a different approach altogether.

Then if you get into other varied techniques, digital stimulation, nipple or anal stimulation, vibration, etc.. and some like 'em, some don't, some cannot achieve orgasm without one or more of them, others have the whole experience ruined if one of these are even attempted.
cb361 said @ 12:17am GMT on 7th May
I'd say you can't go wrong with very gentle, very slow clitoral stimulation, with varying strokes of course and breaks for other parts of the vagina. It takes a long time of course, but that's where enjoying it for its own sake comes in, instead of treating it as a exercise in getting somebody off as quickly as possible. If you're happy to be in it for the long game, very gentle stimulation with lots of saliva should produce a better orgasm in the end, and avoid overstimulating to the point of discomfort from going too fast. Simply knowing to find your way around a vagina is also important, of course.
seneschal said @ 12:20am GMT on 7th May
You can go very wrong with that, depending upon the recipient.
cb361 said @ 12:38am GMT on 7th May [Score:1 Informative]
If you say so, but it doesn't correspond with my experience that (quite frankly) cunnilingus is a piece of (tasty) cake, if you enjoy it enough to give it the time it deserves. I think you're making things more difficult than they have to be.
snagUber said @ 1:24am GMT on 7th May
+1 for connoisseur advice
cb361 said @ 1:43am GMT on 7th May
Just to be clear, I'm not saying that all that other stuff doesn't matter. I knew a girl who needed a finger up the bum to orgasm. I knew a girl who needed her nipples squeezed. I knew a girl who needed dirty talk. Actually, that was more a penetration thing than a cunnilingus thing...

It's all important, and a hundred different improvised licks and nudges all make everything so much better. But at the core of it all, learn where the clit is and don't go too fast, and it'll probably work out great.

Now fellatio is much harder, I think. If it wasn't for just one girl I knew who was amazing, I would have dismissed good fellatio as a myth propagated by men who were so pleased to have a woman sucking their dicks that don't want to admit it's rubbish in case she stops. I've got no idea what that one girl was doing different though.
seneschal said @ 2:47am GMT on 7th May
In my experience enthusiasm, patience and a good pace are good enough for some, but not all women. You disagree, and then you give an example of a woman you know who can't cum without a finger in the right place, and two other examples of the reasons why communication and reading your partner are important, which is exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm not sure why you're talking if you're only trying to disagree with me by proving my point.
cb361 said @ 5:57am GMT on 7th May
Yes, but that wasn't vagina/tongue related. Just a specific extra requirement that that person had. I didn't have to figure it out through experimentation - they told me, I did it, problem solved.
seneschal said @ 12:56pm GMT on 7th May
It's great that you've had communicative partners. Your experiences and results may not be typical.
cb361 said @ 3:52pm GMT on 7th May
I don't think they were especially communicative, but if a woman (or a man) wants her (or his) hair pulled during sex, they're going to have to say so, or spend a lot of their time disappointed, and it's your own fault. I don't think saying so is communicative, but I think that not saying so is being uncommunicative. Which goes all the way back to your original statements about sex, which I agree with entirely.

I don't think you and I actually have much to argue about. I was really just addressing my opinions on pure cunnilingus, rather than the whole complicated wonderful mess that is human sexual interaction in its entirety.

As a rule, it seems to me that we all have a range of genital sensitivity from only-just-pleasurable through to almost-painfully-intense. Two people might vary in their absolute level of sensitivity, but I think we all have that range. Stimulation at the upper levels of that range quickly achieve an intense but short orgasm, whereas stimulation in the lower levels takes longer to achieve an orgasm of much longer duration. If you wank furiously, you have a short orgasm quickly, if you wank slowly, you take longer to have a longer orgasm.

So (IMO) the best way to perform cunnilingus is to stimulate in the lower region of that sensitivity range, just above not-enough, for as long as it takes, to achieve the longest-duration of orgasm. It can take a long time to get there, but if you enjoy performing it for its own sake, that's not a problem.

Which is so simple that it's not even a trick. My argument is with anybody who's heart isn't in it, looking for a some secret magical shortcut to female orgasm. Like the youtube comedian somebody posted on old-SE, who was touting the alphabet-trick. Yes, varying your stroke is good, but there's no stratagem that's going to solve your cunnilingus problems if your heart just isn't in it.
cb361 said @ 3:53pm GMT on 7th May
your own their own fault.
graham said @ 4:15pm GMT on 4th May
I was once inside Amy Schumer.


But then again, I am a banana.
yogi said @ 5:28pm GMT on 4th May
Who the hell is Amy Schumer? Isn't her dad, like, a US Senator?
Ankylosaur said @ 5:43pm GMT on 4th May
Wiki: "Schumer's father is a cousin of Chuck Schumer, U.S. Senator from New York meaning they are first cousins once removed."
lalanda said @ 6:43pm GMT on 4th May
It helps when you realise that Amy Shumcer is not Chelsea Handler.
GordonGuano said @ 7:08pm GMT on 4th May
I'd pay to see either of them wrestle Natasha Leggero in oil.
lilmookieesquire said @ 8:49pm GMT on 4th May
It's not really related, but if the next president isn't a woman, I will be deeply surprised.
lilmookieesquire said @ 9:40pm GMT on 4th May
And a little disappointed.
Naruki said @ 10:06pm GMT on 4th May
Get your blue dress ready and hope for the best.
ENZ said @ 11:13pm GMT on 4th May
And how would you feel is that female prez ends up being Michele Bachmann?
Kelyn said @ 11:42pm GMT on 4th May [Score:2]
I'd vomit in my mouth a little, then hope to choke on my own vomit.
lilmookieesquire said @ 4:43am GMT on 5th May
All things equal, better than someone equally psycho, like, uh... I don't know... Male Michelle Bachman?
GordonGuano said @ 12:29am GMT on 5th May
Bros before hos, yo.
ComposerNate said @ 5:35am GMT on 5th May
From now on, only black presidents.
arrowhen said @ 6:24am GMT on 5th May
I want a gay Hispanic atheist to get elected, just so I can watch The South's collective head explode.
ComposerNate said @ 6:56am GMT on 5th May
The way "religiously unaffiliated" is growing in the USA, we should have an atheist president by next generation, assuming no related prior scandal like anti-theist terrorists bombing churches or a Unitarian president globally judged immoral like Nixon tarnished intellectuals.
ComposerNate said @ 9:35am GMT on 7th May
It seems "religiously unaffiliated" is growing amongst middle-aged Americans as well as obviously the youth. I largely credit the internet, expanding minds globally.
SnappyNipples said @ 11:41pm GMT on 4th May
never heard of her.
arteitle said @ 2:12am GMT on 5th May
Now you have.
Resurrected Morris said @ 2:19am GMT on 5th May
I've already forgotten her
satanspenis666 said @ 3:31am GMT on 5th May
Who were we talking about again?
Ankylosaur said @ 5:15am GMT on 5th May
bltrocker said @ 6:11am GMT on 5th May
That speech was pretty good, but I find her comedy in general to be seriously lacking. I hate her show. I hate most things, though, so it's not surprising.

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