Saturday, 30 November 2019

I Am a Lifestyle Domme, AMA

quote [ This is a reverse askSE. I am a lifestyle Domme. This is not the same thing as a Dominatrix. It is not a fetish for me. It is a sexual orientation. Anything else would feel as wrong as being as a homosexual engaging in heterosexual relations. ]

Curious how it works? About my process for screening and training subs? My journey to discovering my sexual identity? My perspective on BDSM relationships? Ask Me Anything.
[NSFW] [crime & punishment] [+8 Informative]
[by snowfox@6:30amGMT]


lilmookieesquire said @ 5:31am GMT on 1st Dec [Score:1 Funny]
I'm really more of a quiz... no... s... guy? Um. Look at the time! *politely shuts door*
biblebeltdrunk said @ 6:13am GMT on 1st Dec [Score:1 Funsightful]
I've been craving more of a Five Guys vibe lately.
HairySack said @ 9:25am GMT on 30th Nov
This is something I've been trying to explore with some difficultly finding a partner to explore with. On with my question, what qualities do you look for in a potential sub?
snowfox said @ 6:58pm GMT on 30th Nov
When it comes to the application (there's an application), I look for whether they followed my very simple instructions and whether they're actually submitting or whether they're really looking to top from the bottom (looking for a Dominatrix they don't have to pay). Generally speaking I want someone who's ok-looking, competent, and smart. When I chat with them, I am expecting to talk about what they're into and why, and logistics; if they try to turn it into a sext, that's just someone using me to get off. Not cool.

They need to be into similar things to me. Since I am not a Dominatrix (someone who gets paid to do this), I am not here purely to indulge someone else's fantasies. Like any normal relationship, there's compromise and things I'm willing to do but not super into, and there are deal-breakers (for instance I don't do Little play).

As for red flags, people who seem to be looking for an abusive and nonconsensual relationship, a Dominatrix, or anything that seems off where I wouldn't be comfortable contributing to that.
HairySack said @ 8:17pm GMT on 30th Nov
As a beginner with no experience, I am not sure what I can offer a potential Dom. I have found that this is a turn off for the Doms i have met so far - at least the ones willing to take a male sub. Do you have any recommendations for new subs who want to learn how to serve?
snowfox said @ 8:32pm GMT on 30th Nov
There are a lot of forums and people you can ask for tips and advice. Do your research. You can tell a potential Dominant that you're inexperienced if you can also say you've done a lot of research. It's the opening of a negotiation; if they feel like they have to teach you to negotiate, that's a lot of work and a lot of responsibility.

A lot of the most basic questions aren't something you should have to ask your Dominant, they are things you can look up or ask in forums specifically meant for that.

FetLife is not a bad place to go, particularly the munches (these are plainclothes, public meetings where you can ask people questions and not get murdered or something).
HairySack said @ 7:13am GMT on 1st Dec
I have been to a couple of munches already. I really appreciate the detailed responses and your time. Thanks so much.
snowfox said @ 6:10am GMT on 2nd Dec
If there's a specific thing you want to do, find someone who's doing it and just ask. Most will talk about it. You can also find D/s couples you admire and message them, asking how they met, how it works day to day, pretty much anything you like. I've spoken with a number of other Masters/Mistresses and their slaves. I don't think that ever stops being a useful tool no matter how experienced you are because there's always new things to try, other ways of looking at the scene and the experience, and new sources of inspiration.

Find some good subs and slaves, and ask how they met their counterparts, ask for any tips they have about meeting yours. One of the most interesting ones I got was to not discount vanilla partners. Even the most hardcore people started out vanilla, so your Dom might not know they are a Dom yet.
ooo[......7 said @ 9:35am GMT on 30th Nov
Nah. Good luck to you though.
robotroadkill said @ 12:30pm GMT on 30th Nov
Do you make any of your own BDSM gear? If so, what kind of items?
snowfox said @ 6:59pm GMT on 30th Nov
Not yet, but I am working with another person on plans for a St. Andrew's cross and I might build a bondage bed with a convenient storage cage underneath it so I don't have to worry about misplacing a sub while I take a nap.
robotroadkill said @ 12:36pm GMT on 30th Nov
By Lifestyle domme,' are you saying your dynamic with your subs is on 24/7?
snowfox said @ 7:04pm GMT on 30th Nov
Yes. And it is the only type of relationship I really engage in.
R1Xhard said[1] @ 12:52pm GMT on 30th Nov

What about the switches?
snowfox said @ 7:06pm GMT on 30th Nov
I dominate them. I do like to create hierarchies, so a switch has potential to be a beta or gamma, while strict subs are omegas.
Dienes said @ 2:50pm GMT on 30th Nov
1. Topping someone is hot and exhilarating and fun and all that, but it also can be physically, emotionally, and intellectually exhausting. As a lifestyle domme, how do you maintain topping effectively, ethically, and safely for extended periods?

2. What item/tool/toy do you find is under-appreciated or under-used in BDSM circles? The hidden gem, the "secret pro-dommes don't want you to know" toy.
snowfox said @ 7:03pm GMT on 30th Nov
1. Because it's an orientation for me. I don't really have to try at topping, it's what comes naturally. Now when it comes to intense games, I do limit how often I do those, but generally I don't have trouble coming up with ideas, characters, or the like.

2. There really isn't one. Or at least, no single one for all partners. Each partner is different so the thing they respond most to, that's most fun for me to use, varies. If I had to give an answer, I'd say creativity. Anything can be used to torment the souls of the living in a variety of ways.
Dienes said @ 7:31pm GMT on 30th Nov
2b. Are there any creative instances of yours that you are particularly proud of, or found particularly hot?
snowfox said @ 8:12pm GMT on 30th Nov [Score:2]
James Bondage. It's just a clever name for a game, so I'm proud of that one. I'm always Xenia Onatopp. Bond has to withstand torture and interrogation. It's a nice intro to bondage game for men because the James Bond role still makes them feel powerful.
rylex said @ 2:00am GMT on 1st Dec
devious. should have hired you to interrogate the gitmo detainees.
biblebeltdrunk said @ 9:09pm GMT on 30th Nov
Any tips on screening dom's? The power dynamic potential always puts me off due to feeling of needing to know much more about someone for trust to be there.

Also am in the minority by not getting the appeal of Dominatrix that at all? I hear people recommend it as a starting point for exploring dom stuff but I always felt like it be distracting to the experience to pay for. Since so much focus in on (for at least my sub fantasies) relationship angles I always feel like it would be more worthwhile to either hire a standard sex worker or find an organic online relationship even if its to long distance to meet up. Knowing my dom wouldn't also be enjoying the experience the sake of it kinda defeats the purpose.
snowfox said @ 2:34am GMT on 1st Dec
A Dom should ask what you're into and what your deal-breakers are; if you're not into a lot of the same things or have deal-breakers that would make one of you unsatisfied, you're not a good match, and any Dom who ignores that isn't a good Dom. If they aren't concerned about you and what you want, what you need, and why you're seeking out this type of relationship, you may have simply found an abuser.

So for example, someone I train likes being bound and helpless because it makes him feel safe. I tailor my actions and language to that narrative so that it's a satisfying experience for him too.

A Dom should also be open to suggestions. If a sub knows of a knot I don't, I'd like to hear about it. Their ideas are worthwhile and a good Dom should care about those to improve pleasure and safety.

A good Dom cares about their sub. Sadism without caring is just abuse.
thepublicone said @ 11:06pm GMT on 30th Nov
1) What are your thoughts/opinions on the power dynamic between Dom/Sub?

2) What do you think of the more recent shift from "classical" D/S relationship- where the sub, contrary to appearances, actually has the power in the dynamic, by way of limits, safewords, etc and it is the Dom's job to maximize pleasure within those boundaries without breaking the trust barrier- to "modern" or "commercialized" D/S, where the rules are, shall we say, less distinct, and more open to on-the-fly interpretation.

I recognize that, because this is an lifestyle/orientation for you, that you may not have the same definition of D/S as everyday folk, but I would still like your thoughts.

3) Any favorite manufacturers, specifically small, independent ones? When I was in the game, one of my favorites was Aslan Leather- I still have their wrist/ankle/thigh set, somewhere- B.A.R.E. Restraints, and Liberator, although I don't know if Liberator still qualifies as a small company.
snowfox said @ 2:43am GMT on 1st Dec
1) I think it's an exploration of a relationship that naturally exists. One person is always more dominant, this merely takes it to an extreme. In the case of male Dom and female sub, I see it as an extreme acceptance of gender roles. With a female Dom and a male sub, it's an extreme rejection. In all cases it's an exploration of extreme intimacy and trust. Both parties make themselves vulnerable by sharing a side of themselves most people never see, and by engaging in acts where feedback and communication are essential if they are to be performed safely.

2) I am old school. A Dom should get something out of it, which is why it's important to screen for compatible preferences. Beyond that, the sub does have the most power. They set a lot of the hard boundaries for the relationship and they risk to lose the most if these acts go wrong. Doms are allowed to set their own boundaries as well, but what they can't do is force things on subs (not truthfully; the play might involve 'force' but it's consensual and it's not really forced on the sub because they can say stop). A Dom is also allowed to stop or pause play if they have concerns or if this has gone to a place that makes them uncomfortable. The relationship is an ongoing set of agreements and negotiations, like any relationship is. And like any other relationship, it should be mutually pleasurable and beneficial. The true difference between the Dom and sub is their role preference, but otherwise they're partners who share the same interest.

3) LVXSupply, DungeonDelights, Axovus - the one thing you can still trust on Etsy is crafts for pervs!
5th Earth said[1] @ 11:31pm GMT on 30th Nov
Hey, continuing from the shoutbox here. Re: masculinity = control:

I agree that masculinity and control are closely linked in our culture, but I also think that our culture actively ignores and discounts feminine forms of control, which can be just as powerful drives for women as they are for men. Housekeeping, self-beautification, the classic hollywood girl-cliques, etc. are all expressions of control. Anorexia, a classically feminine disorder, is significantly driven by an unhealthy obsession with self-control. Women may be proscribed in the ways they are "allowed" to express control in our culture, but they are just as capable of seeking it and expressing it.

So I disagree that an emotional attachment with the concept of "control" is necessarily a uniquely masculine trait, and so I disagree that when I (a male sub) desire to relinquish control, is inherently a rebellion against masculine ideals. At least, it doesn't feel that way to me. I'm certainly not doing it as a release from my "normal" lifestyle, because I'm generally not a very dominant or controlling person anyway. But like I said before, this is all operating a conscious level, and by definition I don't know what's going on subconsciously.

Questions: the impression I've gotten from my experience in the community is that though the stereotypical BDSM relationship is a dominant woman and a submissive man, straight dominant women are actually rather less common than the cliche would suggest. Is that also your observation or do you disagree?

How do you feel about the use of written forms when negotiating a scene/relationship? There are all sorts of kink checklists, consent forms, etc. floating around. Do you like them or prefer a less formalized approach?
snowfox said @ 2:52am GMT on 1st Dec
The most common relationships I see are between a hetero Dom male and sub female, homo Dom male and sub male, with hetero female Doms being unicorns. I'm actually pan, but the point is that includes men. Most female Doms I encounter are homosexual.

I tend to develop my own documentation based on conversation that has to do with responses, preferences, DOs/DON'Ts. The agreements about boundaries are written, if no where else, in chat discussion. An actual contract isn't necessary unless it's part of the kink for you. Likewise, plotting a scene could be a form of foreplay, but unless the parties are into it, there may not be a benefit in going over it or creating a fictionalized account of what's going to happen. Sometimes it really is as simple as, "I am Xenia Onatopp, you are James Bond, and I have captured you." In other cases I might write an intro to the scene to send as foreplay, or if the point is performance and control, then maybe I write a specific script that the sub will perform. Every relationship is different.
moriati said @ 12:22pm GMT on 1st Dec
Are there particular relationships or experiences which you think led you to this place, particularly having a clear identify as dominant?
snowfox said @ 6:06am GMT on 2nd Dec
Yes. I look back at my 20s, at things that felt very wrong, that left me feeling bad and confused, and they all involved men trying to dominate and degrade me, and do sadistic things to me. By my mid-20s, I knew I had to drive the bus, I had to instigate. It was the only way to know that I really did want to have sex with that guy, and didn't get pressured into it or rushed to make a decision about it. What sorts of behaviors and acts were ok were the ones that didn't leave me feeling used and discarded. This is in no small part why my sexual relations with women have never been bad. None of them ever did that to me, and as the more aggressive partner, it was assumed I'd be driving the bus.

My engagement (which I broke off) is when I realized I was into a BDSM lifestyle. Full time. It wasn't a kink, or a sex game, it was what was right and worked well for me. The guy I almost married was my sub and it was during a conversation in our relationship that we realized we had created a D/s relationship. We had never really talked about the dynamic, but in retrospect it was obvious. What caused us to talk about it was an occasion where we were pretending to be Batman and Catwoman. I was on top of him and I slapped him (he had a very slappable face). We both liked it. It grew from there. So at that point I knew I was a sadist and Dominant.
yasha said @ 6:01pm GMT on 3rd Dec
what do you feel when you exercise authority over your partner?

do you prefer to overtly assert yourself? or easy and anticipatory obedience?

you say you are a sadist and a Dominant. what's the difference? is the punctuation significant?
snowfox said @ 6:19am GMT on 4th Dec
Drunk. But mostly because I usually get drunk first. Otherwise I'm just excited, like I'm playing the world's cleverest most fun game and I'll be super in trouble if my parents walk in lol

I like to be obeyed and served but enjoy breaking and training my subs. Probably because I love training hard to train animals. Normal people train a dog... I settled on cats, sugar gliders, and humans.

Sadism specifically means I like to torture and cause pain. A Dominant is in charge, there does not have to be sadism. A Dominant doesn't have to take pleasure in their sub's suffering. Of course, I only like it consensual. I would be very turned off if I found myself hurting someone who doesn't want it.
5th Earth said @ 7:53pm GMT on 4th Dec
Okay, I'm hardly an expert but getting drunk first is a huge red flag to me. You should not be putting yourself in charge of someone's physical and emotional well-being while mentally impaired. Your subs are relying on you to keep them safe and you should not take that responsibility lightly.
snowfox said[1] @ 8:56pm GMT on 4th Dec
It's rope... not knife play. I have a system of timers. They are always able to communicate. And by drunk I really just mean I have a couple of drinks. I also test all implements on myself immediately prior to use and I bruise easily.
yasha said @ 9:02pm GMT on 4th Dec
but aren't we talking about an emotional altered-reality experience?

i suppose if there were such a thing as crypto-drunkeness, and you didn't know the person you were with was getting drunk with you, that'd be problematic.

but here you've got people entering an altered-reality emotional experience together . . . . and they are using alcohol to heighten that. how's that really any different than any other time people get together to drink?
snowfox said @ 4:43am GMT on 5th Dec
It depends on the play you do. Safety concerns and liability. I was gonna say drunk on power but it didn't read funny so I wrote the funny thing not anticipating people might get in a twist about it. I am very careful to check in that things are good and there's a lot of stuff I just won't do because I think it's going too far. Urethral play would be an example right up there with knife play. I might use a flogger but it's meant to sting. I've never left a bruise much less laceration.

My slave is a consenting adult who is older than I am. I think it would be degrading to say he can't consent to this. He brings me the whiskey as tribute and seeing me enjoy it gratifies him.
5th Earth said @ 5:57pm GMT on 5th Dec
Well, fair enough. I don't know what you are and aren't doing, and the word "drunk" carries many shades of meaning from buzzed to totally irresponsible. I don't mean to imply you would ever violate someone's consent (deliberately anyway), but BDSM already implies altered states of consciousness and the line between "just right" and "too far" can sometimes be easy to miss. I've had a scene go bad because my dom, who I'd known for years at the time, happened to say something normally innocent that pushed a button the wrong way. Personally, I wouldn't do a scene where anyone couldn't safely drive a car. But I'm not there, and I'm not you, so I can't accurately judge what risks you are taking.

Even rope play carries its share of potential risks--the classic upper arm tie is notorious for causing nerve damage if not managed carefully, and having someone tied upright on a St. Andrew's Cross can cause people to pass out or get blood clots from blood pooling in the restrained legs. The sub can't reliably safeword if they are passing out, it's up to you as the dom to notice the warning signs. And of course you have to be able to quickly and safely get someone out of bondage if there's an emergency.

And as for the emotional aspect of it, I wouldn't talk to a therapist if they or I was drunk either, and I would consider a scene at least as emotionally involving. BDSM carries a risk of emotional damage as well as physical and both need to be managed.
snowfox said @ 10:56pm GMT on 5th Dec
BDSM is not therapy. Comparing it to that is a red flag to me. I am not a professional. I am not getting paid. I am no more in charge of someone's emotional well-being than I would be in any other relationship. My sub and I have an obligation to eachother to make sure we're both ok. And we do that. When we negotiate, we are equals. Our apparent inequality is an arrangement arrived at as equals. He WANTS this. So do I. We benefit from eachother's roles.

If you are using BDSM in place of therapy, I recommend actual therapy.
5th Earth said[1] @ 1:34am GMT on 6th Dec


a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.

From wikipedia: A metaphor is a figure of speech that, for rhetorical effect, directly refers to one thing by mentioning another. It may provide clarity or identify hidden similarities between two ideas.
snowfox said @ 1:48am GMT on 6th Dec
I don't think it's an apt metaphor for the reasons stated above. If you are putting that much burden on your Dom without taking equivalent personal responsibility, it isn't a fair relationship, IMHO. Being a sub, engaging in those acts, is your choice that you made as an equal human being.

Comparing this to therapy is wrong.
5th Earth said @ 3:45am GMT on 6th Dec
I am taking personal responsibility (as a sub), by not making myself vulnerable to a person who is putting themselves in a position of control over my personal safety (emotional or physical) while either of us is under the influence of alcohol. If you and your subs are willing to take that risk, then I guess that's your business, but I wouldn't do it, as a dom or a sub. I suppose we just have a difference of opinion.

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